I’m a firm believer in the magic of Christmas. However, I’m pretty good at royally ballsing it up year after year. And I’m here to tell you just how you can balls it up too.
Firstly, be crap at presents. Buying great gifts for your fave people requires paying a significant amount of attention to others likes / dislikes / hobbies throughout the year, for which I am seemingly incapable. Floating along all year in a state of absent mindedness just ain’t gonna cut the mustard when it comes to frantically hitting John Lewis with a half empty wallet on the 23rd December.
Rather than buying thoughtful gifts that my family / friends actually enjoy, I prefer to instead assume that everyone has identical taste to me and buy tonnes of obscure stuff that I think is frickin’ awesome. Much to my dismay, it turns out not everyone loves incense sticks and knitted purses (who knew?).
Another way to fail at present buying is to cover the shoddiness of your gift choices with lovely expensive ribbons and gift tags. This will only serve to raise the expectations of the receiver, and thus inflate the disappointment on Christmas morning. Think reverse present psychology and wrap everything in tin foil to lower expectations from the offset.
Secondly, you should cope really badly with Carol Singers. In my experience (25 Christmasses and counting), carol singers can cause a significant amount of stress over the festive period. For me, it’s a psychological struggle to walk past a group of carol singers without emptying out the full contents of my purse. Living in London has only served to intensify the problem, as there are hoards of them hiding on all street corners, awaiting their next Christmas-loving victim. Essentially, if you want to make money for charity this Christmas, set up band camp near any Pret in central London and perform an out-of-tune rendition of Hark the Herald Angels Sing until your heart’s content. Carol singers = festive financial destruction. CHARITABLE BUGGERS.
Thirdly, be the Christmas YES MAN. Any ounce of self-control possessed between the months of January to November should go flying out the window the minute Advent season hits. Christmas party after Christmas party, mulled wine after mulled wine, and mince pies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. ‘Tis the season to make yourself fat and broke.
Finally, ensure you fuck up the cooking. When you think of Christmas, you mainly think of food, right? Well, me too. I’m sure you’ll be surprised to hear that I’m not actually the world’s worst cook (one time, I attempted choux pastry. Fancy as fuck.). However, what I am, is the ultimate panicker. The pressure of cooking at Christmas leads to a prolonged display of flapping around the kitchen, resulting in sausage rolls which look more like Chelsea Buns, and soggy brussel sprouts, obvs.
Needless to say, I’m now only ever invited to “sous-chef” on Christmas day. In other words, I’m allowed to peel the potatoes and chop the carrots (see below image for some guidance on accomplishing these complex Christmas dinner tasks).
To summarise, here is your check list of easy Christmas fails, as fully tested by yours truly:
Merry Christmas y’all!
There’s always next year…